If I had a nickel for every article or advice column I read in a parenting magazine about how to get children to eat healthy foods...well...my offspring wouldn't need to worry about how they are going to pay for college.
Last week, something amazing happened in my house. My 11 year-old dug into a bowl of very healthy stew (we're talking coconut milk, sweet potatoes, and cabbage, here, people) and RAVED about it. Believe me. This is not her typical response.
And I realized that I had done it. I had inadvertently stumbled across the mother load. I had figured out how to get children to not only eat healthy, but to LIKE it.
I know, I know...you're supposed to get them doing it from the cradle. As soon as you can stick something semi-solid in a kid's mouth, you're supposed to start pureeing all kinds of healthy stuff...zucchini, beans, Brussels sprouts, avocados, the works, and begin feeding it to your baby.
Sure. That's what people do now.
But I had babies, toddlers, and preschoolers during Y2K. Back then, we were way more worried about the Millennium Bug and making sure we had an adequate drinking water supply stocked up in our laundry rooms than making sure our little ones were exposed to edamame and kale.
I will truthfully admit that my children, at a very tender age, consumed copious amounts of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, chicken nuggets in the shape of dinosaurs, and non-caffeinated soda. They ate McDonald's French fries before they spoke their first sentences. I'm not proud of this fact, but there it is.
I'm smarter now. I want to eat healthy, and frankly, I only want to cook one entree for dinner, so I also want my kids to eat healthy. :o)
They, naturally, have been balking. Until now.
So here's how you do it...get picky, carb-addicted, empty-calorie-loving teens and 'tweens to eat healthy:
(Warning...this takes some time. And it will get worse before it gets better.)
1. Pick some sort of activity that is going to tie you up and keep you unavailable for several days/weeks in the evenings during dinner time. Chauffeuring said kids to all of their evening practices/activities/etc. is perfect for this. If this won't work, find something that will capture your attention for several hours. It works best if it something that they can't do with you. If you need a suggestion, I'd start with watching the fabulous new series, "House of Cards" on Netflix (because it's a really good show, and also because my brother is in it). Trolling Facebook and Pinterest are also very viable options. In a pinch, if none of the above suggestions work for you, you could always start watching all nine seasons of "Grey's Anatomy."
2. Make sure you are smack in the middle of said activity at dinner time. When your children start to knock on your door or tap your shoulder and ask when dinner is, tell them "Soon" in your most distracted voice. Do this for a couple of hours.
3. Once it is well past dinnertime and the kids are famished and cranky, run out to the nearest fast food joint and get them dinner. Yes. You read that correctly. Trust me.
4. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Until the children start whining about how they really don't want McDonald's again tonight and can they please have something else for dinner.
5. Head to the store. Stock up on a HUGE economy-sized bag of one kind of nutrient-void breakfast cereal and several gallons of milk. Also get enough supplies to make turkey sandwiches for three months.
6. Now, instead of getting your children McDonald's at 8pm every evening, you are going to tell them that it is "fend for yourself" night. They can have whatever they can find. At first, they'll love it. That's okay. Don't get discouraged. Keep the faith.
7. Continue "fend for yourself" night until you break down your child(ren)'s resistance. You'll know you've reached that point when you see real tears when "fend for yourself" night is announced.
8. Do not stop for anything other than real tears. Don't be swayed by whining ("Sandwiches again??") pleading ("We have NOTHING in this house to eat, can we PLEASE get Taco Bell tonight?"), or fake crying. Nothing but real tears will do here.
9. Real tears is your signal. Now you're going to go all out. The sky is the limit. Whatever healthy foods you want those kids eating...now's the time to include them in your dinner recipe. Kale? Liver? Brussels sprouts? Salmon? Spinach? How about something with coconut milk? Spaghetti squash instead of starchy, nutrient-free pasta? Dream big. This is your moment.
10. Serve your masterpiece at 5:30 or 6pm to your children with everyone sitting around a beautifully set dining room table (in our house, this means I've cleared all of my work junk off of it and removed the dirty breakfast dishes), and wait for the praise.
They will tell you how good dinner is. They will tell you to make it again. They will ask for seconds. They will tell you that they love it when you cook.
The will not, however, offer to help clean up the kitchen.
So pour yourself a glass of wine, bask in your accomplishment, and start loading that dishwasher.
You'll need that food processor and those measuring spoons again tomorrow.
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