Whatever a Man Sows...

I am 100% responsible for this. I'll totally own it.

I've read the books...the articles...the blogs...listened to the talk radio programs. 

I can quote Jim Fey and Sally Clarkson with the best of them. My parenting books are highlighted, dog-eared, and the bindings are cracked.

My perfectionism got in the way. My impatience got in the way. My procrastination got in the way. My need for just a few minutes by myself got in the way.

I have FANTASTIC children. They are some of the most amazing human beings on the earth. They are. They are smart and funny. They are loyal friends. They (in front of me, at least) treat adults and peers with respect (most of the time). They apologize when they mess up.

They DO NOT help around the house.

Again. I own this. 

It didn't seem like such a big deal to let them go to bed with toys out when they were little. 

Or to say, "Not today, Honey. Mommy is in a hurry." when a preschooler asked to "help" wash a window or make a salad.

It's a big deal now.

I'm totally owning the crop I reaped this morning:

Offspring: Can I go over to ___________'s house?

Me: MAY I go over to ______________'s house. Certainly. After you load the dishwasher and do 30 minutes of reading.

Offspring: LOAD THE DISHWASHER?? Why?? That's not FAIR!

Me: silence.

Offspring: I'm NEVER gonna get to go because as soon as I'm done with this you are going to have ANOTHER dumb thing for me to do.

Me: The only thing that will keep you from getting to do what you want to do is your tone of voice. Which is getting dangerously close to the line. Just saying.
(Exit)

(A few minutes later. Dishes still all over the counter. No offspring to be seen. Dishwasher door open. Racks hanging out.)

Me (Inhaling deep calming breaths): What are you doing?

Offspring: Reading. Like. You. Told. Me. To.

Me (It isn't easier for me to just say forget it and do it myself. It isn't. It isn't.): You aren't done loading the dishwasher.

Offspring (sighing and stomping back into the kitchen): What do I still need to do??

Me (gesturing to the glasses and the silverware on the counter): When I said, "Load the dishwasher," I meant ALL of the dishes.

Offspring: Ugh! WHY do I have to do this. 

Me: And as soon as it is full, you will also need to put soap in it and start it. Just letting you know now.

Offspring: WHAAAT? You said ONE CHORE!!! THAT'S TWO CHORES!!

Me (calculating how many hours until 5:00 when it will be acceptable to pour a glass of wine): As soon as you are done with this and get your reading done, feel free to begin your plans for the day.

At this point, dear reader, steam is coming out of my beloved offspring's ears. And I feel a migraine coming on. 

Offspring finishes throwing cups into the dishwasher, dumps soap into it, shuts the door "firmly" and stomps off to her room to read.

As I write this I hear absolute silence here in the kitchen. I glance over at the dishwasher.

Me: Dear, sweet, Offspring. In order for the dishwasher to run, you have to press the 'start' button.

Offspring: I thought I did.

Me: You didn't.

Offspring: Sorry.

Me (I have to win this one. I have to win this one): Please come turn on the dishwasher.

Offspring: Are you SERIOUS?? You're right there! Can't you turn it on??

Me: Nope. 

I suspect I will replay this scene at least three more times today.